The Despair of the Toothfairy
by Amazonian21
Summary: Jareth has to go to a goblin dentist. In response to a challenge. COMPLETE


All right, let's try this one on for size. This is in response to a request for ideas I asked the list for. The challenge, issued by Ziggy, was to write a story where Jareth has to go to a goblin dentist. I personally dislike the whole dentist situation, so I could commiserate. Anyway, enjoy- here's a little silliness for your day.

Boogity.

The Sorrow of the Toothfairy

"I will not go to any dentist!" the Goblin King roared, leaping up from his throne to tower menacingly over his cowering goblin doctor. "I don't care what you say, there's no chance of me allowing some crack pot goblin dentist to remove my wisdom teeth! There's absolutely no call for it!"

"Sire," the miserable little goblin began, hoping to make his temperamental lord see reason, "if you do not do this, the new teeth will cause problems in your mouth. There isn't enough room for them to grow in properly- they'll cause crowding. Your teeth will become crooked and odd!"

The Goblin King merely raised an eyebrow and stared the doctor down, mustering his best 'you're a complete idiot' glower.

"Well… er, that is, crooked, um… and, odder? More odd?" At these words the king took several steps forward and crouched in front of the goblin, content to let the thing continue to dig its own grave.

"Odder? What an unusual choice of words," the King sneered. "That would mean that you find my teeth abnormal to begin with." Jareth's tone was light, but his words were crisp and biting. They caused the goblin to quake where he stood; trembling under the King's forced eye contact.

"Oh dear, yes, well… odd is a good thing in some cultures, I'm told…"  The little creature trailed off, desperately trying to think of anything that would convince his king not to send him head first into the bog. Judging by the glint in his majesty's eyes it would have to be something really good indeed.

"There's a hot new hygienist!" the creature blurted, eyes darting everywhere frantically. He was hoping against hope that this would do the trick.

"Hygienist, you say?" asked the king, standing abruptly. He was suddenly finding the thought of a trip to the dentist much more appealing. "Does she wear one of those hot little white dress thingies and a little hat?"

"No, I don't think so- she's not a nurse. She probably wears scrubs." The goblin hoped frantically that this would be acceptable to the king.

"Mmmmm… scrubs are good too," the king said thoughtfully to himself. Yes, he thought, scrubs were good… especially scrubs with nothing under them.

He strode away from the apprehensive goblin doctor and went to gaze at his perfection in the mirror. Stunning and debonair, as always. He tousled his hair and straightened his waistcoat before pulling his gloves more snugly over his fingers.

 "Well, I feel it my duty, as ruler of this rabble, to keep myself in the best physical condition possible," he said to the goblin, affecting a condescending tone. "Afterall, I do have to look after you lot. If something happened to me, there's no telling what would become of you." The little goblin rolled his eyes behind his back, and luckily Jareth did not see it.

"Yes," the king continued, using a little spit on his index finger to tame his upswept eyebrows, "that settles it- I, in my infinite benevolence, will see this dentist and allow him to take care of these pesky wisdom teeth."

"You're a true joy to have as a ruler, sire. Always thinking of others above yourself. Most gracious." The goblin doctor was having difficulty in making his words sound anything short of sarcastic.

"I would put a little more conviction into your brown nosing, if I were you doctor," said Jareth mockingly, turning from his self appreciation to stare down the little goblin. "Your sense of irony is most dangerous for you. One would think you suspect me of seeking medical attention with an ulterior motive in mind."

The goblin doctor knew that now was the best time to play it safe. "It would be ridiculous of me to ever voice doubts like that, Your Grace," he said honestly.

Jareth waved him away impatiently as he threw his cloak over his shoulders. "Enough of your mutterings. I am off to see the hygienist… er… dentist."

The goblin doctor nodded his head mutely, pretending not to notice the king's slip. With that the Goblin King disappeared, leaving behind his usual flourish of glitter.

"I could have had a nice job mucking out the sewers barehanded, but no… my father insisted upon medical school so that I could take abuse all day, dealing with a spoiled monarch and constantly sweeping up ridiculous amounts of glitter." He kicked at the pile futilely, just causing it to scatter even further across the room. He plopped down in his arm chair, muttering darkly under his breath. "Oh yeah, it sure is an _honor_ to serve His Royal Pain in the…"

"I'm not quite gone. I seem to have forgotten my toothbrush," interrupted Jareth, appearing suddenly in front of the doctor before striding into the bathroom.

"Sire!" the goblin gasped, desperately trying to remember what he'd said, "I was just speaking of your magnificence! I was thinking what an honor it is to serve you."

"Yes. I'm sure you were. Well, don't let me stop you from continuing your praises." With that, Jareth waved his arms dramatically and hit the goblin with a powerful spell. He would now have to say nothing but lavish praise about the king until the spell wore off- in two hours.

Jareth disappeared laughing to the sounds of dark, vicious mutterings along the lines of, "Most wonderful being in creation… the gods' gift to goblins and mortals alike… best dresser _ever_…." He secretly was impressed with the little creature- he was able to make each praise sound like a curse, even with the spell's heavy interference.

Jareth arrived in the waiting room of a dubious office. It was littered with several chickens and cats, both of which were standard for any place in the city. What disturbed him, however, was the large amount of groaning goblins, in various stages of consciousness. They were strewn everywhere, hanging limply over the arms of the waiting room chairs, thrown across tables, propped against walls. All had large wads of cotton stuffed in their mouths and all appeared to be quite uncomfortable.

"Are these goblins all waiting to see the dentist?" the king demanded to the room at large.

'No, sire," groaned the nearest, most conscious goblin, raising his head piteously, "We've all just returned from seeing him." Just then a large, sweaty goblin wearing a stained and splattered "white" lab coat burst into the room. He tore around the place in frantic half circles, kicking the littler goblins out of his way left and right. As he went he shouted things like,

"You there, quit bleeding! You- I only took four of your five teeth! Quit complaining or I'll take the last one, too! You- If you throw up I swear I'll take the drill to you!" He came to the Goblin King and stopped short, but only for a moment.

"Your Highness! What a happy to see you! To what do we owe the good thing?" he asked spastically, all the while bouncing and fluttering, flying about the room and circling Jareth like an over active dragon fly. His erratic movements alone were enough to cause Jareth to take a step back and decide once again that Kings were not meant to mingle with medical professionals. Especially goblin professionals. What had ever possessed him to agree to this torture? And good heavens- was that blood all over the front of the man's jacket?

"I came because my doctor recommended the removal of my wisdom teeth, but I have changed my mind," Jareth said decisively. "I will not stay here another minute, much less allow you to so much as touch me, dressed in that manner and behaving as you do."

Jareth moved to begin his transportation back to the castle but was interrupted by the dentist's shrill, frantic whistle.

At the summons, the office door opened and out stepped a leggy blonde hygienist, dressed in a short white skirt that would barely qualify as a kinky Halloween costume in the outside world. Her lips were red and full with a lipstick that matched her spiked heels. She sauntered over to the drooling monarch and placed her hand sensually on his arm.

"You weren't leaving so soon, were you Your Majesty? Not before we had a chance to _fix you up_," she whispered silkily, coyly twining her fingers in his hair.

"No, no, not at all. By all means, proceed with your- _administrations_," Jareth returned, sensing something strange about the woman but too lustful to take proper note.

"Goody!" said the doctor, bouncing up and down once more. He reached into his coat pocket and withdrew a paper from his pocket. "Now you sign the Authorization to Treat form and we get started with the real fun!" He held out the paper for the king to sign. Jareth did so, too distracted by the busty blonde to read it properly.

Once his signature was complete, however, he sagged suddenly, feeling as if all his powers were drained from him. He slumped against the nearby wall, half supported by the hygienist.

"What's happening?" he demanded, mustering all the threat and power he could into his weakening voice. "What have you done?"

"Oh, it's not important Kingie," said the goblin dentist, feigning innocence, "just what it says in the little form." He pretended to look concerned at the King's state for a moment but soon grew tired of that. Instead he stepped close to the King and kicked him in the shins.

 The King went to lunge for the insolent creature but soon found that the hygienist was no longer supporting him, she was restraining him against the wall.

Once the dentist saw that the King was helpless he kicked him again, and then cackled evilly. "Kingie didn't read it before he signed it!" he chanted in a sing-song voice. "It says that 'cause I'm a "medical professional" in the Underground, I can drain any body of their powers when they're here, if they let me. It's for my own good, cause some people try to hurt dentists when the fun starts." He danced around wildly, jumping to click his heels together every once in a while.

"We sometimes use the laugh gas," he continued, "but Fae with powers don't get silly with it! So I have to take their powers so they can have a good time, too! But mostly," he said, grinning evilly, "Faes get uncomfortable." Here he sniggered snidely. Uncomfortable was the mildest way of putting it. He never got tired of telling his patients that there would be a 'slight pressure', all the while anticipating the agony he'd soon get to inflict upon them.

"With you weak, Kingie, I can do whatever I want to you-I mean- 'whatever's in your best interest to get you in the best of health,'" he quoted, remembering one of the lines from a brochure somewhere. The goblin continued to cackle as he said, "The best part is that I can erase your memory at the end! It's so you don't remember none of the discomfort, but I say it's best for me, especially considering what I'm gonna do you!"

Jareth began to struggle, trying to free himself from the freakishly strong woman. It was impossible to get away. What was going on here? Even under the worst of circumstances the Goblin King was a match in strength for most individuals. Why was this woman causing him so much difficulty?

The goblin dentist noticed his efforts and nodded to the hygienist. She pulled a syringe from her pocket and pulled off the cap. She plunged the needle into the King's arm and injected the solution under his skin.

"What was that?" the king demanded, struggling still though the world now took on a fuzzy haze.

"Oh, it just helos you relax. It'll take your mind off what's going on." The goblin gestured to the hygienist who began to drag the King into the exam room. She pushed him over to the chair and set him in it, securing his wrists to the arms as he did so. When she was done, her form shifted, beauty and sensuality melting away to reveal an ugly, monstrous troll.

"That essplainss it…" slurred a bleary eyed Jareth. "But how did you teach those chickens to mambo?" The king was pointing emphatically to the corner in front of him, entranced by something that only he could see.

The troll looked to the goblin quizzically. "Man, he's wasted," he said, turning to open the instrument drawers. "but still, I hope it's the drugs talking. I hate dancing chickens."

The troll agreed. There were a lot of chickens around, afterall, and if they were organizing themselves well enough to social dance, they could soon pose a real threat to the city.

"Tha chickens nuthin," the King continued, head lolling to one side. "I knewa pigeon that could do the Macarena. That bird had talent. Where's my toe? It was here when I left, and now it's just a paper cut."

"Ugh," said the goblin dentist, arranging several scary items on a tray, "I hate the talkers. Funny, but they always weird me out."

The troll nodded its head in agreement. Poultry in any form gave him the willies, and talking about it didn't help.

"Now open wide," the goblin said, holding an instrument that looked like some form of tire iron.

"I don wanna see where the oubliette leads to," Jareth whined, twisting his face away from the bouncing goblin. "This worm ate my tomatoes, so why's he in my Labyrinth?!"

"Troll," yelled the little goblin, "you hold his head steady. I can't pull the teeth if I can't get in his mouth."

The troll obediently held the king's head still and pried open his mouth.

"Beauty, beauty, ugly, no good, good, keep it, lose it, replace it…" the goblin said, checking each tooth for soundness. After he was done he said, "Good, we take 'em all. I can't remember which ones is the wisdom teeth, so if we take 'em all out and put back the best ones, we can't go wrong!"

The troll nodded his head in agreement. It sounded like a plan to him.

Jareth, however, did not find the plan as agreeable. He doubled his efforts and began to kick his heels pathetically. "No, itsss bad enough we have school today, but I don't wanna walk in high heels! They tickle!"

"That's funny," said the goblin thoughtfully, pausing to scratch his head, "I always pictured you as the high heels sort myself. At least in private. You know, with the hair and the tights and everything. Shows what I know, don't it?"

The goblin dentist then reached his pliers into Jareth's mouth and pulled the front tooth. Jareth screamed and thrashed around. Then, whimpering, he called the first person he could think of.

"Doctor little goblin, the one who says the nice things and his little cat with the eyes that shut on the car door…" his head was fuzzy and he was having trouble remembering what he wanted, but he was determined that he would get out of there. "Whatever your name is, come here now, and bring my hat!"

The little goblin doctor appeared in the room and took one look at the situation. He was tempted to leave the king the way he was, but no one deserved that.

"You quack dentist!" he yelled, turning to the other surprised goblin. "I didn't know you were back in town! He's going to kill me for sending him here, and then he's going to kill you!"

The hyper goblin sobered down a bit while the troll began to cry. "No, we make him forget, then he doesn't care about all the gone teeth. He'll think he just lost them somewhere."

"No," said the doctor firmly, "he would not just think to himself, 'Hmmm… all my teeth are gone. Funny, I know I had them this morning. Now, let me retrace my steps and see where I could have set them…' He'll find out!" The doctor took the dentist by the ear and pushed him back over in front of Jareth.

"Now," he said evenly, "you pull the teeth I show you to pull, after you give him some proper pain killer, and then you put the one you pulled back into his mouth! Understand?" He gave the creature a good shake and didn't let go until he nodded his head.

It took a while, but the doctor was finally satisfied that the right teeth were taken out. Then, he turned to look at the tooth left over, lying on the little table.

"Alright, now put that one back in."

The little goblin dentist went to do it, but paused and turned slowly to look at the doctor.

"I have a gold one we could use instead," he said, smiling to try to get on the doctor's good side. "The king likes the gold, and he could be bi pimpin'!"

"No!" the doctor said immediately, but then paused to consider. "Hmmm… a gold tooth. In front. Where everyone could see it." He thought about his years of service to the king, and all he'd been put through. "Do it," he said decisively. He'd just tell the king that it was the latest craze- all the playas had them.

Ten minutes later the goblin dentist was slapping the king to get him to wake up. Slowly the king blinked back to consciousness, saw where he was, and tried to stand.

He fell on his butt and started to cry.

"Now, now, Your Highness," the goblin doctor soothed, "We're on our way home. Everything will be fine."

"I want a lollipop! They always have to give you a lollipop, an' I was such a good boy!" Jareth wailed, pointing to a little jar on the desk.

"Yes, yes, you'll have your lolly. Now there's a good king, pick your sucker and we'll go." The doctor waited patiently as Jareth tried to choose between blue and red, and then sighed as the monarch settled the matter by taking the whole jar.

"Fine, let's just go already," muttered the doctor.

The Goblin King, pleased with his candy, waved happily to the dentist and the troll. He opened one of the suckers and began to eat it, immediately losing his memory.

"Wait! We're not home yet!" wailed the little doctor. The king was lazily slumped on the floor, drooling over his sucker.

The goblin sighed and turned to the phone. "I guess I'm calling a coach," he muttered darkly, "but the King's paying."

The duo rode off towards the castle, the goblin doctor still muttering darkly about goblin dentists and stupid kings, and Jareth sucking his way towards forgetting kindergarten. Those kids had all been so cruel… eating his paste and breaking his crayons.

They reached the castle and Jareth headed straight for the mirror. The doctor hung back, hiding as the king examined his mouth.

"Whoo-hoo!" Jareth yelled, seeing his gold tooth. "I'm supa fly now!" He then promptly passed out to sleep off the effects of the anesthesia. The goblin doctor left him there, snoring and drooling in the main hallway, figuring it was fair payment for the praise spell. Tomorrow he would hand in his resignation and go see about that sewer position.


End file.
